In an effort to chase down this addition of the unattainable I find myself tired and weary. Hustling and hurrying about as though the earth will stop on its axis. Hurry get up, hurry clean up breakfast, hurry let's do math, hurry it's time to go, hurry, hurry, hurry. As I rush about not only do I find myself high in angst, but I see the wake I have left behind.
In their faces, in their spirit.
I am chasing.
Is it possible that in my effort to be wonder woman, I have become the opposite? My great cakes, my clean house, my mowed lawn. Yes, I grew the blueberries, oh no I homeschool, I've ran marathons, I'm doing good, I can, I do, I am!
Don't look too close, it's there, in my shadows you'll see; my shoulders are slumping.
The weight to not be someone elses weight.
I look into those porcelain black eyes.
What an exhausting pursuit. What a weight I have not only placed but am pushing onto those delicate, fragile souls. I'm running...toward something, yet maybe, maybe, am I fleeing? Fleeing...what am I fleeing? Fleeing the pain, fleeing the imperfection.
"We are merely moving shadows, and all our busy rushing ends in nothing." (Psalm 39:6)
What have I left in my wake? As the waves of my hurrying settle down and smooth out, what is left behind? Stones of regret, fields of shame, boulders of guilt, and four soft hands. Four pitter pattering feet in mommy's high heels. Two twirling princesses whose life filled spirits I crush with the rush for time.
"On every level of life, from housework to heights of prayer, in all judgement and efforts to get things done, hurry and impatience are sure marks of the amateur." Evelyn Underhill.
I am disappointed in my life lived amateur.
Are you an amateur?
Lacy-
ReplyDeleteWow, you are an amazing women. I am not saying this because I just read this blog, but you've done it, doing it, and chasing it. I have never been so in love with you before this moment.
Yes, head held high....an amateur to say the least. This life we live....does it have purpose? What if I should be doing something different? Something that I was meant to do. I have heard you ask these questions.....over and over....it's beautiful to see my wife, mommy to two shadows, answering her own questions.
I love you Lacy, always and forever!
Wow. I know that feeling of always feeling overworked, overtired and nothing to show for it but more work and busy. I think it is very hard to step back and just accept. You have given me something to think about.
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