In an effort to chase down this addition of the unattainable I find myself tired and weary. Hustling and hurrying about as though the earth will stop on its axis. Hurry get up, hurry clean up breakfast, hurry let's do math, hurry it's time to go, hurry, hurry, hurry. As I rush about not only do I find myself high in angst, but I see the wake I have left behind.
In their faces, in their spirit.
I am chasing.
Is it possible that in my effort to be wonder woman, I have become the opposite? My great cakes, my clean house, my mowed lawn. Yes, I grew the blueberries, oh no I homeschool, I've ran marathons, I'm doing good, I can, I do, I am!
Don't look too close, it's there, in my shadows you'll see; my shoulders are slumping.
The weight to not be someone elses weight.
I look into those porcelain black eyes.
What an exhausting pursuit. What a weight I have not only placed but am pushing onto those delicate, fragile souls. I'm running...toward something, yet maybe, maybe, am I fleeing? Fleeing...what am I fleeing? Fleeing the pain, fleeing the imperfection.
"We are merely moving shadows, and all our busy rushing ends in nothing." (Psalm 39:6)
What have I left in my wake? As the waves of my hurrying settle down and smooth out, what is left behind? Stones of regret, fields of shame, boulders of guilt, and four soft hands. Four pitter pattering feet in mommy's high heels. Two twirling princesses whose life filled spirits I crush with the rush for time.
"On every level of life, from housework to heights of prayer, in all judgement and efforts to get things done, hurry and impatience are sure marks of the amateur." Evelyn Underhill.
I am disappointed in my life lived amateur.
Are you an amateur?