Sunday, February 5, 2012

The Roots of My Heart

Ok, so I skipped the whole month of January.  I sat down several times to put thoughts in order and each time...distraction.  The baby was crying, the girls were hungry, the bills were flashing in my mind.  Ok, now the baby is SCREAMING and I promise I've only looked down for two seconds, how did the tornado of terror come through the house throwing all that laundry around without me seeing?  {sigh}

So here it is.  February already.

We added to our family in November a new little blessing. And with this blessing comes a temporary sense of imbalance.  {Temporary imbalance  right?}  Our "routine" has been dishevelled.  My thoughts and emotions have been a roller coaster ride that make Kingda Ka look like a joy ride.

In these chaotic times, it is hard for me to hear His voice.  It is hard for me to feel His presence.  And honestly...{because we're being honest right?}  sometimes....sometimes, I don't want to.  Gosh, that is scary to write.  Sometimes I just want to wallow.  I retreat into myself and hide.  Hide from the world.  Hide from friends.  Hide from family.  I truly physically hide.  And man is it hard.  It's hard because I don't even like my own hiding space.  It would be different if I hid some where like this

or even like that

but the place I hide in is dark.  It is blindingly dark.  No flicker of light, light that might show a path of direction.  Darkness as thick as a wool blanket sewn over my eyes.  My hiding place is cold.  Core chilling cold.  Painfully shivering cold.  It is wet.  Soaking in fear.  Fear I'm a failure.  Fear I will make those around me failures.  I hide in a place the confirms those voices that tell me I am unworthy.  The voices tell me I have no purpose like others do.  The voices tell me I have no skills, gifts, or talents that make me worthy.  Just a sopping wet rag of a being.  Where insecurities take root in my heart.

That's where I go to hide....there.

Don't freak.

Don't call and check on me.

I come out of hiding.  Just, slowly.  Like a sloth.

{And please DO NOT take pictures of me like those people at the end of the video.}

I make my moves ever so slight.  No sudden movements.

My head knows I must come out of hiding.  It's those roots in my heart that make it so difficult.  Those insecurities make it truly terrifying.  I see what He is doing.  Little pieces here and there.  He never gets loud or overbearing.  My ears can hear the conversations He puts before me.  My heart is tangled with roots.  My eyes can see the readings He brings before my eyes.  My heart is so tangled in those roots.


one day

the time spent in my hiding place will get fewer a farther apart.  And I may move as though I am free of those roots in my heart.  Those roots of fear and insecurities broken and gone. 

"Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along.  If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter.  He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans.  He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God.  That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good."  Romans 8:26

For now, I'll just watch and listen.  And move ever slowly.

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