"Hello, my name is Lacy and I have control issues."
I seem to have these unattainably high standards. Oh wait, don't run, they're not for you. Just me. I do not hold you to these expectations. Only myself. For some reason I tend to have unspoken expectations of my house, my fitness, my finances, my abilities...I could go on. These are not the goal setting kind. More of the kind that when all combined together are so ridiculous that Mary Poppins would struggle. I'm not sure why. It seems to always give me the excuse to bad talk myself. Not out loud necessarily, but those unspoken thoughts that sting more than any spoken word ever could. How I am such a failure, a fake, and how I am taking my family down with me. It definitely maintains my fear to truly try at something. If I only give half, and fail it's ok, because it wasn't my all....right?
What rationale! Yes, I know there is therapy for this. Thank you. I think I have gotten better with age. Others may think not so much.
Do you do this? Do you have those inner voices of self degradation for your own unmet expectations? My inner voice is my harshest. Do you have anyone telling you those voices are not who you are? Those words do not define you as a wife, mother, or person. Sometimes my own anxieties and fears are so loud, it is hard to hear the words of grace and love.
If you've read previous posts, you know our family likes music. Sometimes the words of a song are written just for you! I promise. God wants you to hear it.
Mercy Me has a song called "Beautiful". Not a new song (click on the link so you can hear it). I think it came out sometime in 2010?
When my husband first heard that song he said, "Lacy, that song reminds me of you. You need to listen to the words." And ever since then, every time (and I mean every time) it is played on the radio, no matter where he is or what he is doing, he stops and texts me. On a roof, in the truck driving, on the top of a ladder, rolling trusses, in the room next to me...he texts me. He texts, "You're Beautiful!" EVERY TIME. And every time, I need to hear it. And I'll be honest, I don't respond back (which probably drives him crazy). But I need to hear it; to see it. For some reason it is so easy for me to express those feelings to my kids, or to friends who need to hear it. But to have those thoughts or feelings for myself is so much harder. Me? Sacred?
And I thought surely I am not the only person who has a hard time believing that with all of my mistakes and faults, (and I mean big, ugly, nasty mistakes and faults) that I am the one He madly loves. So, for all of you out there who close off your ears and heart to hearing how much He truly loves you...I'm telling you, you're beautiful! Listen to me...YOU are the one HE madly loves. God has blessed me with a cheerleader even when I don't want to hear it. Sometimes I do close it off, but God knows. He knows I need to hear that cheerleader pushing me towards Him. So here I am, cheering for you. Pushing you closer. "You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His."