I'm coming back.
My sloth like movements are gaining momentum.
I read this today and said, "Yes." So I am sharing. It speaks to women, but certainly does not only apply to us female types. Check it out.
And I'll be back soon.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Sunday, February 5, 2012
The Roots of My Heart
Ok, so I skipped the whole month of January. I sat down several times to put thoughts in order and each time...distraction. The baby was crying, the girls were hungry, the bills were flashing in my mind. Ok, now the baby is SCREAMING and I promise I've only looked down for two seconds, how did the tornado of terror come through the house throwing all that laundry around without me seeing? {sigh}
So here it is. February already.
We added to our family in November a new little blessing. And with this blessing comes a temporary sense of imbalance. {Temporary imbalance right?} Our "routine" has been dishevelled. My thoughts and emotions have been a roller coaster ride that make Kingda Ka look like a joy ride.
In these chaotic times, it is hard for me to hear His voice. It is hard for me to feel His presence. And honestly...{because we're being honest right?} sometimes....sometimes, I don't want to. Gosh, that is scary to write. Sometimes I just want to wallow. I retreat into myself and hide. Hide from the world. Hide from friends. Hide from family. I truly physically hide. And man is it hard. It's hard because I don't even like my own hiding space. It would be different if I hid some where like this
or even like that
but the place I hide in is dark. It is blindingly dark. No flicker of light, light that might show a path of direction. Darkness as thick as a wool blanket sewn over my eyes. My hiding place is cold. Core chilling cold. Painfully shivering cold. It is wet. Soaking in fear. Fear I'm a failure. Fear I will make those around me failures. I hide in a place the confirms those voices that tell me I am unworthy. The voices tell me I have no purpose like others do. The voices tell me I have no skills, gifts, or talents that make me worthy. Just a sopping wet rag of a being. Where insecurities take root in my heart.
That's where I go to hide....there.
Don't freak.
Don't call and check on me.
I come out of hiding. Just, slowly. Like a sloth.
{And please DO NOT take pictures of me like those people at the end of the video.}
I make my moves ever so slight. No sudden movements.
My head knows I must come out of hiding. It's those roots in my heart that make it so difficult. Those insecurities make it truly terrifying. I see what He is doing. Little pieces here and there. He never gets loud or overbearing. My ears can hear the conversations He puts before me. My heart is tangled with roots. My eyes can see the readings He brings before my eyes. My heart is so tangled in those roots.
Maybe
one day
the time spent in my hiding place will get fewer a farther apart. And I may move as though I am free of those roots in my heart. Those roots of fear and insecurities broken and gone.
"Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good." Romans 8:26
For now, I'll just watch and listen. And move ever slowly.
So here it is. February already.
We added to our family in November a new little blessing. And with this blessing comes a temporary sense of imbalance. {Temporary imbalance right?} Our "routine" has been dishevelled. My thoughts and emotions have been a roller coaster ride that make Kingda Ka look like a joy ride.
In these chaotic times, it is hard for me to hear His voice. It is hard for me to feel His presence. And honestly...{because we're being honest right?} sometimes....sometimes, I don't want to. Gosh, that is scary to write. Sometimes I just want to wallow. I retreat into myself and hide. Hide from the world. Hide from friends. Hide from family. I truly physically hide. And man is it hard. It's hard because I don't even like my own hiding space. It would be different if I hid some where like this
or even like that
but the place I hide in is dark. It is blindingly dark. No flicker of light, light that might show a path of direction. Darkness as thick as a wool blanket sewn over my eyes. My hiding place is cold. Core chilling cold. Painfully shivering cold. It is wet. Soaking in fear. Fear I'm a failure. Fear I will make those around me failures. I hide in a place the confirms those voices that tell me I am unworthy. The voices tell me I have no purpose like others do. The voices tell me I have no skills, gifts, or talents that make me worthy. Just a sopping wet rag of a being. Where insecurities take root in my heart.
That's where I go to hide....there.
Don't freak.
Don't call and check on me.
I come out of hiding. Just, slowly. Like a sloth.
{And please DO NOT take pictures of me like those people at the end of the video.}
I make my moves ever so slight. No sudden movements.
My head knows I must come out of hiding. It's those roots in my heart that make it so difficult. Those insecurities make it truly terrifying. I see what He is doing. Little pieces here and there. He never gets loud or overbearing. My ears can hear the conversations He puts before me. My heart is tangled with roots. My eyes can see the readings He brings before my eyes. My heart is so tangled in those roots.
Maybe
one day
the time spent in my hiding place will get fewer a farther apart. And I may move as though I am free of those roots in my heart. Those roots of fear and insecurities broken and gone.
"Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good." Romans 8:26
For now, I'll just watch and listen. And move ever slowly.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Advent
I love this time of year with my kids. I love the smells, the trees, the baking, the lights. So many fun traditions. Yet it is so easy to get overwhelmed. Especially with our newest addition (and all of his cuteness) being only one month old. We have always tried to push back on the ever so easy urge to get caught up in it all. All too often I can find myself caught in the tangled web of shopping, crafts, baking, and events that celebrate this time of year and forget about what this season is really about. I have to reign myself in constantly. I can sometimes find myself more concerned about fitting in each of the "fun things" I want to do with the kids....that it ends up not so fun.
My girls still being young they ask constantly the inevitable question, "How many more days until...?" So we, (like probably everyone else who is reading this), have some way to count down to Christmas day. Last year the girls and I made the traditional paper chain. Oh, come on, you know the one. And you tear off a chain for each day. I even got so creative as to use red and green paper. (I can hear the collective "Ooooh, Ahhhhh!" now) Let's just say art is not my forte. And as a homeschooling mom...we kinda need art!
My mom got a little more creative. When I was a kid she would take pieces of candy and stick them to a ribbon. So every day we would come home from school and take one piece off of our personal ribbon to count day the days to Christmas. That's a little more creative, but still not what I have been looking for.
Well, like I said, I am not the most creative mom out there. (Thank goodness for Pinterest). In terms of the days of Advent, I have been wanting something more. Something more meaningful. More tangible and substantial for our girls and for us as a family. I mean with a definition like : Advent : "the coming or arrival, especially of something extremely important; a coming into place, view, or being". (I like that last part. "A coming into view.") I felt like a paper chain to bring into view the birth of our Savior just would not suffice. Last year I found this.
It's called the Cradle to Cross wreath. Each day of Advent we light a candle to progress through to Christs coming. It also has some other pieces to make it bigger to 40 days to celebrate Lent and the ascension. I love it. I love it more than the little windows you open to get a little piece of chocolate out. And do I even need to mention the paper chain? The best part? The best part is on day six we lit the candles and my four year old started singing Happy Birthday. So we all followed along and sang Happy Birthday to Jesus. How's that for focusing our "view"?
With all of the seasons great activities of lights, cookies, gingerbread houses, homemade wrapping paper and get togethers; I can gather my children under my wing and bring them closer to our Father. Or, like on day six, my children in their innocence can bring me closer to Him. What do you do during this time of coming into view?
My girls still being young they ask constantly the inevitable question, "How many more days until...?" So we, (like probably everyone else who is reading this), have some way to count down to Christmas day. Last year the girls and I made the traditional paper chain. Oh, come on, you know the one. And you tear off a chain for each day. I even got so creative as to use red and green paper. (I can hear the collective "Ooooh, Ahhhhh!" now) Let's just say art is not my forte. And as a homeschooling mom...we kinda need art!
My mom got a little more creative. When I was a kid she would take pieces of candy and stick them to a ribbon. So every day we would come home from school and take one piece off of our personal ribbon to count day the days to Christmas. That's a little more creative, but still not what I have been looking for.
Well, like I said, I am not the most creative mom out there. (Thank goodness for Pinterest). In terms of the days of Advent, I have been wanting something more. Something more meaningful. More tangible and substantial for our girls and for us as a family. I mean with a definition like : Advent : "the coming or arrival, especially of something extremely important; a coming into place, view, or being". (I like that last part. "A coming into view.") I felt like a paper chain to bring into view the birth of our Savior just would not suffice. Last year I found this.
It's called the Cradle to Cross wreath. Each day of Advent we light a candle to progress through to Christs coming. It also has some other pieces to make it bigger to 40 days to celebrate Lent and the ascension. I love it. I love it more than the little windows you open to get a little piece of chocolate out. And do I even need to mention the paper chain? The best part? The best part is on day six we lit the candles and my four year old started singing Happy Birthday. So we all followed along and sang Happy Birthday to Jesus. How's that for focusing our "view"?
With all of the seasons great activities of lights, cookies, gingerbread houses, homemade wrapping paper and get togethers; I can gather my children under my wing and bring them closer to our Father. Or, like on day six, my children in their innocence can bring me closer to Him. What do you do during this time of coming into view?
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Ever Feel Like Someone Is In Your Head?
As a new mom to now three, these past three weeks have been a tornado. Loving on our little blessing, not sleeping, trying to figure out his needs, while still meeting the girls needs and my husbands. No matter how tired I am, or how much I just want to find a quiet corner where no one says, "Momma look", and it is a clean well organized corner (I do believe those corners exist....somewhere); I can't help but feel so blessed. Even when my little boy is screaming, he is so precious. Even when I have said, "Please, let's not say my name for just a few seconds," I yearn for those two little girls to want my attention.
As I've said before, I am a confessed blog stalker. Chatting at the sky is a blogger that I've followed for awhile. She has recently wrote a book, Grace for the Good Girl that has made my Christmas wish list. As I have gone through these past three weeks I have found myself in the "figure it out" mode. Trying to figure out my newborns needs, trying to figure out how I am going to work in a run, trying to figure out how I am going to fulfill my girls needs for homeschooling. The list goes on. Do you do that? Are you a "figurer outer"? (Yes, that is a real term for some of us real people).
I sat down today and took a moment to read her post today and so should you. She seems to put my thoughts together better than I can. Quiet is what I need; silence in spirit. So I ask the same question she does, "...in the most honest place where you are today, what is it you truly seek?"
As I've said before, I am a confessed blog stalker. Chatting at the sky is a blogger that I've followed for awhile. She has recently wrote a book, Grace for the Good Girl that has made my Christmas wish list. As I have gone through these past three weeks I have found myself in the "figure it out" mode. Trying to figure out my newborns needs, trying to figure out how I am going to work in a run, trying to figure out how I am going to fulfill my girls needs for homeschooling. The list goes on. Do you do that? Are you a "figurer outer"? (Yes, that is a real term for some of us real people).
I sat down today and took a moment to read her post today and so should you. She seems to put my thoughts together better than I can. Quiet is what I need; silence in spirit. So I ask the same question she does, "...in the most honest place where you are today, what is it you truly seek?"
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
My Husband The Cheerleader
"Hello, my name is Lacy and I have control issues."
I seem to have these unattainably high standards. Oh wait, don't run, they're not for you. Just me. I do not hold you to these expectations. Only myself. For some reason I tend to have unspoken expectations of my house, my fitness, my finances, my abilities...I could go on. These are not the goal setting kind. More of the kind that when all combined together are so ridiculous that Mary Poppins would struggle. I'm not sure why. It seems to always give me the excuse to bad talk myself. Not out loud necessarily, but those unspoken thoughts that sting more than any spoken word ever could. How I am such a failure, a fake, and how I am taking my family down with me. It definitely maintains my fear to truly try at something. If I only give half, and fail it's ok, because it wasn't my all....right?
What rationale! Yes, I know there is therapy for this. Thank you. I think I have gotten better with age. Others may think not so much.
Do you do this? Do you have those inner voices of self degradation for your own unmet expectations? My inner voice is my harshest. Do you have anyone telling you those voices are not who you are? Those words do not define you as a wife, mother, or person. Sometimes my own anxieties and fears are so loud, it is hard to hear the words of grace and love.
If you've read previous posts, you know our family likes music. Sometimes the words of a song are written just for you! I promise. God wants you to hear it.
Mercy Me has a song called "Beautiful". Not a new song (click on the link so you can hear it). I think it came out sometime in 2010?
When my husband first heard that song he said, "Lacy, that song reminds me of you. You need to listen to the words." And ever since then, every time (and I mean every time) it is played on the radio, no matter where he is or what he is doing, he stops and texts me. On a roof, in the truck driving, on the top of a ladder, rolling trusses, in the room next to me...he texts me. He texts, "You're Beautiful!" EVERY TIME. And every time, I need to hear it. And I'll be honest, I don't respond back (which probably drives him crazy). But I need to hear it; to see it. For some reason it is so easy for me to express those feelings to my kids, or to friends who need to hear it. But to have those thoughts or feelings for myself is so much harder. Me? Sacred?
And I thought surely I am not the only person who has a hard time believing that with all of my mistakes and faults, (and I mean big, ugly, nasty mistakes and faults) that I am the one He madly loves. So, for all of you out there who close off your ears and heart to hearing how much He truly loves you...I'm telling you, you're beautiful! Listen to me...YOU are the one HE madly loves. God has blessed me with a cheerleader even when I don't want to hear it. Sometimes I do close it off, but God knows. He knows I need to hear that cheerleader pushing me towards Him. So here I am, cheering for you. Pushing you closer. "You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His."
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
I seem to have these unattainably high standards. Oh wait, don't run, they're not for you. Just me. I do not hold you to these expectations. Only myself. For some reason I tend to have unspoken expectations of my house, my fitness, my finances, my abilities...I could go on. These are not the goal setting kind. More of the kind that when all combined together are so ridiculous that Mary Poppins would struggle. I'm not sure why. It seems to always give me the excuse to bad talk myself. Not out loud necessarily, but those unspoken thoughts that sting more than any spoken word ever could. How I am such a failure, a fake, and how I am taking my family down with me. It definitely maintains my fear to truly try at something. If I only give half, and fail it's ok, because it wasn't my all....right?
What rationale! Yes, I know there is therapy for this. Thank you. I think I have gotten better with age. Others may think not so much.
Do you do this? Do you have those inner voices of self degradation for your own unmet expectations? My inner voice is my harshest. Do you have anyone telling you those voices are not who you are? Those words do not define you as a wife, mother, or person. Sometimes my own anxieties and fears are so loud, it is hard to hear the words of grace and love.
If you've read previous posts, you know our family likes music. Sometimes the words of a song are written just for you! I promise. God wants you to hear it.
Mercy Me has a song called "Beautiful". Not a new song (click on the link so you can hear it). I think it came out sometime in 2010?
When my husband first heard that song he said, "Lacy, that song reminds me of you. You need to listen to the words." And ever since then, every time (and I mean every time) it is played on the radio, no matter where he is or what he is doing, he stops and texts me. On a roof, in the truck driving, on the top of a ladder, rolling trusses, in the room next to me...he texts me. He texts, "You're Beautiful!" EVERY TIME. And every time, I need to hear it. And I'll be honest, I don't respond back (which probably drives him crazy). But I need to hear it; to see it. For some reason it is so easy for me to express those feelings to my kids, or to friends who need to hear it. But to have those thoughts or feelings for myself is so much harder. Me? Sacred?
And I thought surely I am not the only person who has a hard time believing that with all of my mistakes and faults, (and I mean big, ugly, nasty mistakes and faults) that I am the one He madly loves. So, for all of you out there who close off your ears and heart to hearing how much He truly loves you...I'm telling you, you're beautiful! Listen to me...YOU are the one HE madly loves. God has blessed me with a cheerleader even when I don't want to hear it. Sometimes I do close it off, but God knows. He knows I need to hear that cheerleader pushing me towards Him. So here I am, cheering for you. Pushing you closer. "You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His."
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Where's Your Joy?
Oh my, has too much time gone by! I am now at the end of my pregnancy, (so much for having all that time to blog...), and boy am I ready to be. There have been many times that thoughts have crossed my mind like, "I need to blog about that." Something about being able to just get it out that makes me feel at peace. A lot has happened in such a short amount of time. We have started our new year of home schooling, my sister has moved out (the one who had a ruptured brain aneurysm almost a year ago), and we are having a baby...a boy!
And in all of this I have struggled. Lost my site of "the joy preceding the miracle". Got trapped in a hole of darkness, bitterness, and resentment. Tired. Just tired. I seem to have lost that joy centered attitude. It seems joy is second nature for some. For me it is definitely something I have to conscientiously focus on. It is so much easier for me to get swept up in the chaos and stress of everyday life. The girls schooling, the bills, the mundaness of laundry and dinner (Is that even a word? Well, when it comes to laundry it is!)
It just seems to be easier for me to fall back into that monotonous cycle and forget to "be joyful in all things." Really God? Joyfully searching for that missing sock that the dryer monster must have ate? You mean be joyful that I vacuumed this morning and between the crackers and the chips I need to vacuum again by the afternoon? Be joyful that we are already THREE weeks behind our home school schedule? Yes, yes and YES! The joy I find when staring at a sink full of dishes sure is hard for me to find.
But I'll tell you what. My little six year old brings me back on a daily basis. I often say she is Jesus on earth. She has a true servant heart and thinks about others always. There have been many days that she is up to the sink washing dishes because "I just know it is hard for you with your big belly Mom." Many times she comes to me out of the blue and says, "Is there anything I can do for you Mom?" She's vacuumed, rotated laundry, folded and put away clothes. She's even tied my shoes for me.
Never once complaining that she wasn't the one who made the mess. Never once huffing and puffing. But with an eager heart to serve and being so joyful about it!
"Lord, give me the heart of my six year old. That I can be joyful and eager in all that I do, giving You the the glory, being the example to my girls and a better wife for my husband."
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Are You REALLY Listening?
Since I am pregnant now and due to some health issues due to my pregnancy, I get a little more time with my feet up. So hopefully I'll get back to my blog more! I have been blog stalking a lot and spending plenty of time on Pinterest...LOVE. So for today I thought I would share a post from another blog...I know, but it really touched me.
Simple Mom is a blog I frequent. She covers everything from homeschool to crafts to being a mom. But this particular post is actually from a dad. So just click the link, read, and think are you really hearing?
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